15 Weeks.

 I am not posting a picture because I am in a constant panic of:

"going to throw up, maybe I should walk it off, I need to drink something, eating will help, if I lay down it will pass, I should stand by the bathroom, why are my clothes so tight!, where is the nearest trash can, should I take a nausea pill, I will just breathe slowly"

feeling.

"Let me tell you the trick . . ."

I have heard this line many times. And yes I am not down 30 pounds so I know things can get worst (my doctor is quick to remind me) but I have gone to a friends house and ran straight out side to relive lunch. I have suddenly gotten sick all down my shirt in the car and almost in every room in my house. 

So when people look at me and say I know how never to get sick I want to get sick on them. I just saw the billionth post about how to completely bypass the all-day sickness. If you are the person, like my mother, that never got sick, or had an rare upset stomach during your first months pregnant, awesome. Super happy for you, or at sometime I will be, but right now I hate you.

As for me. I eat before I my eyes are even open. I have food and water by my bed. (My husband LOVES waking up to the CRUNCH CRUNCH noise. He has expressed it several times.) I walk. I drink water. I take vitamins. I have spearmint to smell. I have ginger. I have B6. You name it, I have tried it.

And you would think that you would know your body after a while. Like if you are not feeling well you know if you should head to the bathroom or go and laid down. Well that is also false. I have no clue what is going to happen.

Recently (on my worst day) after spending much one-on-one time with the restroom I was on the floor, leaning my head on the bathtub, careful to keep eye contact with the toilet, I muttered to my husband that there to help me back to bed, "I want to die." (I smile now because at the time I was quite seriously and I was sure death was near anyways) Such a sweet memory for me. I am suppose to forget after, I assure you that day will be ever so present in my mind.

Today I done with the acidy taste and TUMS. I am tired of the nausea pills and how they make me tired. I am tired of people who are over their pregnancy smiling and telling me it will past. Misery loves company and that is what I want. I want someone to tell me how awful it is to make a person. That it is the hardest job and they didn't care much for it. Because if someone said these things to me, I would have to disagree.

I would be able to say while it is a daily uphill challenge that has no end point in sight and throws you different curve balls every day so you have no idea what you are suppose to be preparing for, I am happy to be pregnant. I am enjoying the fact that when I go the doctor's there is another heart beat in me. And my big round tummy is showing.

However this world, or the world I choose to live in, is too happy. So I will take my pills, think a few evil thoughts and wait.